Letting my thoughts Spill Out

Thinking about Cory this morning, All I could hear was Ernest Looking me in the eyes saying don't Love me it was just a hook up, I don't love you. And I can feel my heart break all over again the same way it did when he said it to me.
Driving today, I heard this song, and I wish I could say I just want somebody to feel this way about me, but I can't, I want Cory to feel this way about me.;

Oh her eyes, her eyes

Make the stars look like they're not shining

Her hair, her hair

Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know

When I compliment her

She wont believe me

And its so, its so

Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay

I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips

I could kiss them all day if she'd let me

Her laugh, her laugh

She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so Beautiful

And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know

Id never ask you to change

If perfect is what you're searching for

Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking

If you look okay

You know I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

The way you are

The way you are

Girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

(Bruno Marshttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5lO4hEAJHU&feature=avmsc2)

I'm not trying to say that I am as fantastic as the girl he's singing about, but Oh how wonderful it would be if he felt that way about me. And you would think that I should want somebody to feel that way about me, but no, I want him to. I want Cory to feel the way about me as this guy felt about the girl he's singing about. I want him to look at me the way he did Alexandra. And maybe it's just not meant for me to ever have that but the last time I felt this way about a guy was a Very long time ago and I just pray every night that he wants me too.

Yet I'm terrified to let myself want him so bad because I know my heart is seconds away from being chopped up into a million bitty pieces and I'm just sitting back watching it happen. If Only If Only he would feel that way about me, I would never have to worry again, and one can pray and hope and wish and think that everything will pan out well but when the thought of Cory brings back vivid heartbreaking memories of being told I do not love you from someone that meant the world to me. You would think I'd be more protective of my heart, but I never seem to learn. XD, Okay, I'm tired and empty and going to bed now.

PS, Ever notice that the closer you get to something the more you want it, then need it, then would do anything for it.

PPS, How have I gone from the girl who hates songs lie Meteor Shower by Owl City;

I can finally see

That you're right there beside me

I am not my own

For I have been they knew

Please don't let me goI desperately need you

I am not my own

For I have been they knew

Please don't let me go

I desperately need you

or even

Colbie Caillat's I never told you

I see your blue eyes

Everytime I close mine

...

When I'm not around you

It's like I'm not with me

Because I think that it is horrible that songs are so often about needing someone else, being complete with someone else and so rarely about I can do it on my own. Now here I am personalizing with the songs. How did that happen, and WHY!!!! XD

Glasses

Who would have ever thought Glasses were Sexy. I am finding that I am super attracted to men in glasses!!

Just Gonna Stand there and watch me burn
That's alright becuase I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
That's okay becuase I love the way you lie
I Love the Way You lie

Opting Out

Here you come again

Just when I've begun to get myself together

You waltz right in the door Just like you've done before

And wrap my heart 'round your little finger

How interesting, I finally get comfortable with going out and spending time with friends and all of a sudden, Here you come.........

Here you come again

Just when I'm about to make it work without you

You look into my eyes And lie those pretty lies

And pretty soon I'm wonderin' how I came to doubt you

I get okay with being happy that what happened happened and then you come around again giving me the impression that there is more to come, or rather that's its not a one time thing, then you're off for who knows how long and I'm here wondering whats going on.

I find it to be so SO much smarter to forget about this stupid Love ideology that has been imposed on us. Opt Out and keep yourself from getting hurt. Opt out before anyone else has the chance to hurt you.

And it happens Every Time......

Thinking this song popped into my mind, How appropriate for the last few hours.

07/19/10 9pm

Hands Touch

Eyes Meet

Sudden Silence

Sudden Heat

Hearts Leap in a Giddy whirl

He could be that boy

I'm not that Girl

07/20/10 4am

Don't dream too far

Don't loose sight of who you are

Don't remember that rush of Joy

He could be that boy

I'm not that Girl

07/20/10 8am

Ev'ry so often we long to steal

To the land of what might have been

07/20/10 11am

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in

(Blithe smile, Lithe limb, She who's winsome, she wins him

Gold Hair with a Gentle Curl That's the Girl he chose

And Heaven Knows, I'm not that Girl)

07/20/10 8am

Don't wish, Don't Start

Wishing only wounds the Heart

07/20/10 11am

I wasn't born for the Rose and Pearl

(There's a girl I know He loves her so,)

07/20/10 11am

I'm Not that Girl

(doesn't apply to today)

Pain is avoided by avoiding people.
Note to Self, Cycle helped me calm down.

CRAWL

Taking a step back

Today was a good day for me. I haven't had one of these in such a long time. All day I'm here thinking why am I happy, I have no real reason to be. Honestly all I could figure is that it had to be because I was wearing a dress, and we all know how silly that sounds.
So I ventured out to the library. WOAH!! I mean for me, spending an hour in the Library is a big deal for me lately. XD, So while there I'm reading a book and one of the charecters is going from Irland to France ect... and I just think, I want to be able to do that. I was to go to some country I've never been and see things that have always seemed out of reach for me.
Walking home, a different way then usual, I pass by a nice house and I think to myself, I'd love to live in that house if only it wasn't in New Jersey. Then I think, New Jersey is not that bad. It's been good to me. I have a great job, of course I don't want to still be there 10 years from now, but a good job where I am treated very well. When I think about my furture goals, of course they don't include running the place, but so what if I did. I would be an active member of a wonderful community with the perfect job. I could have a job that I know, love am good at, ect.. and would still have the ablity and flexibility to be an active mother as so many of my co workers are.

I think I don't want to be trapped, I don't want to spend the rest of my life in New Jersey wondering what if.

At the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat. I get home from work/the library head to my room to find that my bed has been taken apart and put back with sheets that aren't for my bed and everything moved around in my room all after I had just spent 2 hours re arranging everything to be just as I wanted it and made my bed with my favorite bed sheets the night before. I come home to findout that I need to do it all over again even thoguh I specifically asked the cleaning ladies to not enter my room, for this exact reason. I of course throw a fit including calling my mom and yelling at how upset I am about the whole situation.
I run downstairs to look for the newly cleaned sheets that I had just put on my bed the night before and I bump into the cleaning lady, one I have never met before, I didn't hear anyone respond when I yelled hello entering the house, so naturally I was surprised to find her there. I'd never met her before. She was a tiny little woman, can't have been any younger then my grandmother. And she was here cleaning my house for money. And I was immediately broguht back to earth. I used to always think to myself, why can't my life be easier. Why can't I just win some $10,000 prize that will take away all my problems. I found that I really don't have it that hard. The trials I have had with money have helped me develop an appreciation for the value of a dollar. I am blessed to have the opportunity shoudl I choose to study whatever I want whereever I want. I can if I really want to visit any counrty I want to and experience everything I want to. I have a very nice home in a wonderful community that I am blessed to be a part of. I can move away if I really wanted to and know that I'll be fine. I have opportunities that soo many other people don't or will ever have. Then I remembered I ahve soo many reasons to be happy. Not just today, but everyday. I cannot explain the joy I felt being reminded of how blessed I truly am. May tomorrow be just as positive a day as today was.

Beautiful Disasterous Thoughts

• Why is everyone concerned with having me date someone, people at work think I should date everyone from the personal training intern to some random medical student I've never met before in my life to the British Soccer guys that are only going to be here for another week. Even my mother is telling me to go date someone.
• Do people not get that for the first to happen I would need to be social and go out ect... do things.
• I like to stay at home not do the above, at least not for the past 1-2 months.
• I would love to eventually have someone to date ect... if it didn't mean having to go out and socialize
• Why the Hell did a month later Richard Nix call me up after standing me up for a date, calling me and Ass and introducing my once was best friend to his girlfriend and expect me to hang out?
• Why am I a horrible person for not believing that he was genuinely doing the right thing?
• Why is it that when (a long long time ago...) when I was talking to a guy, any guy, My again, once best friend made herself a priority in my life, We can all 3 hang out or cancel your date and come hang out with me. Mom, tell her to cancel, ect... ect... but the day she gets someone new it's like why are you around, go away, how dare you blah blah blah
• I rant about it, but have no real desire to do anything about it.
• I think it's easier to be anti social if i just cut off all my once friends
• I don't feel like going out and making new friends or rekindling old friendships.
• You screw me over once and I cut you off just like that, once upon a time, I didn't do that I would let people screw me over and over and over again and still take them back, not anymore.
• A lady at church just found out that I am 21 and commented; What are you doing with your life, go on a mission or get married already. She later said that she was just joking, but it really pissed me off.
• I Miss my long hair.
• I REALLY REALLY miss my long hair.
• Stupid radiation that made me have to cut my cute long hair short!
• I am content to not socialize and to cut off friends, but I really am miserable
• Michael Jackson is the only thing that makes me deliriously happy.
• I know the last statement was odd, but it's true.
• I miss dancing and if I had the money I would sign up for classes right away.
• I was given the opportunity to take classes and just put down small payments, big issue is it wasn't just privates, it included semi privates and group lessons all requiring me to go out and be social.
• I am truly depressed for no reason. I can get by during the day pretty well as long as I don't surround myself with too many people, but nothing makes me happy like I usually am or can be or used to be.
• There was a time that nothing could get me down.
• There was a time that I could look at the positive on anything.
• There was a time that I loved the church and my religion more then anything, I spent 9months planning on going on a mission to teach others about this church and religion that I loved so much and now once a week I have to drag myself to church and trudge through it having no real desire to be there for any amount of time much less 3 hours. I'm only there because my family expects me to be there.
• I have strong feelings of dislike for the YSA in my area, part of what makes my being a nomad easier, but still makes me sad when I'm not invited or included.
• I may be choosing to not hang out with people, but for no one to notice or care doesn't help.
• I wanna be like Michael Jackson, in the sense that when I'm gone, I want someone to care, someone to miss me someone to remember me.
• Most days I wanna cry, I don't but I want to.