Babies Babies Everywhere

Lately I have been noticing the way Ian talks about his daughter like she is the light of his world and his whole day is made when he gets to see that little girl. I hear my talk about the way her boyfriend looks and an is with his son. On facebook, all these friends I would hangout with at school or even here talking about their new babies and gushing over the littlest things. Seeing an old coworkers pictures of her little chubchub and thinking about how just about a year ago she never would have thought she and he husband would be ready for a child this soon. See the way she holds him and loves him, how he can do no wrong. Pictures of how adorable he is and the perfect balance between his two parents that shows in his face alone.
Yesterday at Bowcraft, I was able to spend most of the day with a little boy I know and his grandmother and just go around the park with him. He was soo cute with the excitement about the smallest things and looking up at me asking me if we can go on this ride or do this activity and reacting like I am the best person in the world when I say yes. Or even watching him push my hands away because he can make the plane go up and down all by himself because he was a big boy. It really made me feel like I'm falling behind.
There was a family in our ward and I cared for those kids for a little more then a year and a half. The first day I took care of them, the baby was born and for that time, I was able to see her grow from the 3 hour old thing I held at the hospital to the crazy thing crawling around the house grabbing everything in her way to her saying hi and bye to me like shes a big girl. They just moved and I feel like I don't have any one to look after or care for. I didn't feel the need to have a child of my own because I was going through the motions with these children, Max's first day of school, and Ava's first Hanna Montana party. Once they left though I seriously felt like something was missing. Then I notice more vividly the place that most of my friends are at in their lives caring for their own little ones.
I have been feeling the want to be a mother. To have my own little 3 year old to chance around the rinky dink Rt 22 amusement park. To know that just my presence will calm down my child. To feel like I am rearing and teaching and nurturing another who will look to me for everything and who I can love as unconditionally and I have observed Richard and Ian with their daughters.
Then here I am today looking though movies on Demand and on the one screen alone you see; Nine Months, Object of my Affection, The Pacifier, and Parenthood. I just don't know how to react other then to rant because these children are following me, and there is nothing I can d about it but sit back and feel like that should be me, but what am I supposed to do about it.

noticing the good as well

Finally I am comfortable with the way things are going. It's been weeks since I've had one of my bad days. Of course there are ups and downs in each of my days, but none have been super dramatic r felt like more then I could handle. I am on good terms with everyone in my family, well, you know, lol, as much as one can be. Things at work are looking good and although the summer is coming to an end, I have dance classes to look forward to come September, and we all know how I feel about dance.
On the guy front, yea I like him, Yea I wish I could see him and talk to him more often, but I know that he's not the best guy for me. Lets be honest, I rebel, but I'll never go that far so why should I allow myself to accept that, didn't i write a blog about waiting for better. I am finally okay with it. I may not get the guy I want, but maybe its for the better.
I don't know what I've done differently, but I like the new me the me that is happy and wanting to help others the way others have been there to help me. Thanks to all my friend;0s who have dealt with my craziness, stuck with me through it all and still love me for who I am.

Truth

When I'm dancing, it doesn't matter that you don't want me.

Dancing

So today I watched step up 3. I left the theatre drained and terrified.
The movie reminded me of how I feel when I'm dancing. Reminded me that I can still be as happy as I was once upon a time when I was dancing. I was terrified becuase rather then leaving the movie wanting to share it with my mom, who I wish could understand how I feel about dancing, or Nychole who has been my friend for ages or even Christopher Norton who I tell all my secrets, feelings, fears desires to. I left wanting to share it with Cory.
This scares me becuase I don't know him well enough to want to share something so close to my heart with him. I'm scared because I still want to. I'm scared becuase this means that I'm falling for him and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. And it Terrifies me because I don't know or think he feels the same way. Wish I could tell him, but the result might not be something I can take right now.