Babies Babies Everywhere

Lately I have been noticing the way Ian talks about his daughter like she is the light of his world and his whole day is made when he gets to see that little girl. I hear my talk about the way her boyfriend looks and an is with his son. On facebook, all these friends I would hangout with at school or even here talking about their new babies and gushing over the littlest things. Seeing an old coworkers pictures of her little chubchub and thinking about how just about a year ago she never would have thought she and he husband would be ready for a child this soon. See the way she holds him and loves him, how he can do no wrong. Pictures of how adorable he is and the perfect balance between his two parents that shows in his face alone.
Yesterday at Bowcraft, I was able to spend most of the day with a little boy I know and his grandmother and just go around the park with him. He was soo cute with the excitement about the smallest things and looking up at me asking me if we can go on this ride or do this activity and reacting like I am the best person in the world when I say yes. Or even watching him push my hands away because he can make the plane go up and down all by himself because he was a big boy. It really made me feel like I'm falling behind.
There was a family in our ward and I cared for those kids for a little more then a year and a half. The first day I took care of them, the baby was born and for that time, I was able to see her grow from the 3 hour old thing I held at the hospital to the crazy thing crawling around the house grabbing everything in her way to her saying hi and bye to me like shes a big girl. They just moved and I feel like I don't have any one to look after or care for. I didn't feel the need to have a child of my own because I was going through the motions with these children, Max's first day of school, and Ava's first Hanna Montana party. Once they left though I seriously felt like something was missing. Then I notice more vividly the place that most of my friends are at in their lives caring for their own little ones.
I have been feeling the want to be a mother. To have my own little 3 year old to chance around the rinky dink Rt 22 amusement park. To know that just my presence will calm down my child. To feel like I am rearing and teaching and nurturing another who will look to me for everything and who I can love as unconditionally and I have observed Richard and Ian with their daughters.
Then here I am today looking though movies on Demand and on the one screen alone you see; Nine Months, Object of my Affection, The Pacifier, and Parenthood. I just don't know how to react other then to rant because these children are following me, and there is nothing I can d about it but sit back and feel like that should be me, but what am I supposed to do about it.

noticing the good as well

Finally I am comfortable with the way things are going. It's been weeks since I've had one of my bad days. Of course there are ups and downs in each of my days, but none have been super dramatic r felt like more then I could handle. I am on good terms with everyone in my family, well, you know, lol, as much as one can be. Things at work are looking good and although the summer is coming to an end, I have dance classes to look forward to come September, and we all know how I feel about dance.
On the guy front, yea I like him, Yea I wish I could see him and talk to him more often, but I know that he's not the best guy for me. Lets be honest, I rebel, but I'll never go that far so why should I allow myself to accept that, didn't i write a blog about waiting for better. I am finally okay with it. I may not get the guy I want, but maybe its for the better.
I don't know what I've done differently, but I like the new me the me that is happy and wanting to help others the way others have been there to help me. Thanks to all my friend;0s who have dealt with my craziness, stuck with me through it all and still love me for who I am.

Truth

When I'm dancing, it doesn't matter that you don't want me.

Dancing

So today I watched step up 3. I left the theatre drained and terrified.
The movie reminded me of how I feel when I'm dancing. Reminded me that I can still be as happy as I was once upon a time when I was dancing. I was terrified becuase rather then leaving the movie wanting to share it with my mom, who I wish could understand how I feel about dancing, or Nychole who has been my friend for ages or even Christopher Norton who I tell all my secrets, feelings, fears desires to. I left wanting to share it with Cory.
This scares me becuase I don't know him well enough to want to share something so close to my heart with him. I'm scared because I still want to. I'm scared becuase this means that I'm falling for him and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. And it Terrifies me because I don't know or think he feels the same way. Wish I could tell him, but the result might not be something I can take right now.

Letting my thoughts Spill Out

Thinking about Cory this morning, All I could hear was Ernest Looking me in the eyes saying don't Love me it was just a hook up, I don't love you. And I can feel my heart break all over again the same way it did when he said it to me.
Driving today, I heard this song, and I wish I could say I just want somebody to feel this way about me, but I can't, I want Cory to feel this way about me.;

Oh her eyes, her eyes

Make the stars look like they're not shining

Her hair, her hair

Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know

When I compliment her

She wont believe me

And its so, its so

Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay

I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips

I could kiss them all day if she'd let me

Her laugh, her laugh

She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so Beautiful

And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know

Id never ask you to change

If perfect is what you're searching for

Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking

If you look okay

You know I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

The way you are

The way you are

Girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

(Bruno Marshttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5lO4hEAJHU&feature=avmsc2)

I'm not trying to say that I am as fantastic as the girl he's singing about, but Oh how wonderful it would be if he felt that way about me. And you would think that I should want somebody to feel that way about me, but no, I want him to. I want Cory to feel the way about me as this guy felt about the girl he's singing about. I want him to look at me the way he did Alexandra. And maybe it's just not meant for me to ever have that but the last time I felt this way about a guy was a Very long time ago and I just pray every night that he wants me too.

Yet I'm terrified to let myself want him so bad because I know my heart is seconds away from being chopped up into a million bitty pieces and I'm just sitting back watching it happen. If Only If Only he would feel that way about me, I would never have to worry again, and one can pray and hope and wish and think that everything will pan out well but when the thought of Cory brings back vivid heartbreaking memories of being told I do not love you from someone that meant the world to me. You would think I'd be more protective of my heart, but I never seem to learn. XD, Okay, I'm tired and empty and going to bed now.

PS, Ever notice that the closer you get to something the more you want it, then need it, then would do anything for it.

PPS, How have I gone from the girl who hates songs lie Meteor Shower by Owl City;

I can finally see

That you're right there beside me

I am not my own

For I have been they knew

Please don't let me goI desperately need you

I am not my own

For I have been they knew

Please don't let me go

I desperately need you

or even

Colbie Caillat's I never told you

I see your blue eyes

Everytime I close mine

...

When I'm not around you

It's like I'm not with me

Because I think that it is horrible that songs are so often about needing someone else, being complete with someone else and so rarely about I can do it on my own. Now here I am personalizing with the songs. How did that happen, and WHY!!!! XD

Glasses

Who would have ever thought Glasses were Sexy. I am finding that I am super attracted to men in glasses!!

Just Gonna Stand there and watch me burn
That's alright becuase I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
That's okay becuase I love the way you lie
I Love the Way You lie