Why should I expect Anything Else

I am at the point in my life where I expect men to be mean and rude to me. I fear the reaction I might have if I person of the male persuasion is actually nice to me. Cory calls me out of the blue for no reason not something he ever does to say 3 times, I called the wrong number, couldn't even be bothered to say Hi how are you doing? Haven't spoken to you in a while. Then Andre invites me to hang out with him today so I drive the half hour it takes to get to him for him to act like I'm imposing myself on him, like I'm boring him and why did I even come down. To 15 minutes later say, take me home my fiends are coming over and I wanna chill with them bye. All this and all I can think to myself is why should I expect anything different, This is how most of the men in my life treat me so why should I expect to be treated differently. Who am I to expect any type of different treatment then that of an old beaten up play toy that you only look at when you're bored. Why should I even think to want to see Cory more then once a month? Why should I expect Andre to be happy to see me after I went out of my way to go hang out with him? Why? These men's behaviors are not any different then what I am used to. So why do I constantly find myself expecting more. Who am I to expect anything more or anything different. Nychole and I were watching Rent today and there is a line that says "I'd be happy to Die for a Taste of What Angel had, Someone to live for, Unafraid to say I Love You" I have to laugh because who am I to expect that I should ever be honored enough to have anything remotely close to that.

Trembles

It's interesting, how something that I was so sure I wanted, so sure I was ready for, hoping for waiting for can make me so happy and amazed, So intrigued and stilled can suddenly be the same thing eating you up inside. The time I had last night could not have been more perfect. I left feeling on top of the world, feeling like a whole new person, like nothing could go wrong. The feelings and heightened senses I don't ever recall feeling before brought me to a place of comfort I haven't felt in the longest time. Yet here I am reliving every moment and this time feeling like I want to cry like I can't get out of this body fast enough to escape. How can one choice evoke sch opposite feelings. Trying to wrap my head about it and stay happy while the rest of me is wrestling to get out of here as quickly as possible.
It's that feeling of wondering WHAT is holding you together because you Know you should be falling apart

my song mix of the day

Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts.

I say "Can you believe it?", as we're lying on a couch.

You saw me start to believe for the first time
And I remember (that night) 2:30 AM, 'cause everything was slippin' right out of my hands.
Braced myself for the goodbye, 'cause that's all I've ever known, And you took me by surprise, you said "I'll never leave you alone."

yup yup that's my mix. it doesn't make sense, it doesn't have to.

Song; Taylor Swift MINE

Surrender seems to be the word

So if you've been reading this, you know that I have kindda liked Cory for a while now. It interesting the drama that has surrounded that whole relationship. Tonight after not really seeing him for almost a month and finally beginning to get over him he and I talked for a while. I've come to the realization that if I like Cory I have to like all of him and that all of him includes how he is in relationships.
He made a point to tell me to please text him and to never think I am bothering him. He finally told me how he feels about me. He made it a point to explain to me the way he works in general and how that connects to the way he behaves. He explained to me his schedule letting me know that it isn't that he doesn't want to hang out with me it's that he's busy. I think this will work out a little better now that I am taking classes, between work, classes and homework, I will hopefully not miss him so much.
I came away from today feeling comfortable with our relationship noting to myself that if I am entering this relationship I need to be okay with the way he works. I need to know that he isn't the kind of boyfriend that is gonna dance with me or say good morning out of the blue. Flowers are Never gonna be his thing. He isn't for example the boyfriend Hyrum was were he and I needed to see each other any time we got a chance or talk whenever we are apart.
At the end of the day he is the guy that will cuddle with me to watch a movie. Make sure I get home safe when he knows I've been out late and am tired out of my mind. Comforts me when I'm uneasy and tell me I'm beautiful just because he felt like it.
I'm not saying it's going to be easy from here on out, but I think knowing what I know now, hopefully it will be easier.

And I'm catching myself smiling over Everything....

Yesterday I started school up again, just two classes, but it's better then no classes, you've gotta start somewhwere. I met my Sociology Teacher and seems pretty darn cool. I'm excited for the class. At work, even though we are on shut down mode, I am getting a nice number of hours constantly being offered more. You know I've got to be doing something right.
I also have overcome something else. As I'm sure you can tell if you have read my other blogs, I kindda had a little thing for a guy named Cory. Not saying that is 100% done with, but I finally got back to the point where I don't mind if we don't talk every day, I've had to just forget about seeing him or hanging out with him any time soon, because that just wasn't going to happen. Anyways, Yesterday after class I ended up seeing him and getting to talk to him and hug him and just hang ot with him for a little while, seriously maybe 10-15 minutes. Reguardless, it kindda made my day. I think the fact that he said we would hang out this weekend had a little to do with it too, anyways I had a great BUSY day yesterday and I loved every minute of it.
As we all know I love to post a song that describes the way I have been feeling. Don't get upset, I have not lost my mind and allowed myself to fall for him all over again, I mean true, I may like him again, but I didn't let him kiss me yesterday and althoguh I hugged him a couple times, i wasn't all over him, I didn't text him at all the rest of hte day nor do I feel like I need to, but I would be being dishonest if I didn't admit that I am super excited at the prospect of seeing him again soon. So here is the Marc Anthony song (Of Course)

"Finally I hold my head up high cause you belong to me
And catching myself smiling over everything
(Everything)
You should know that I am proud to have you next to me
I never know that love could be so pure & gentle
And all I see
Love was never quite this simple
It was for me so lonely and so tempermental
Holding you is the safest place no doubt about it
Kissing you makes me wonder how I live without it
Wanting you is as natural as natural can be
Love won't get any better"

"Finally, I hold my head up high cause you belong to me." To illustrate just how much I've grown, I will rephrase; Finally I hold my head up high becuase I don't need you to belong to me, I would just like it VERY Very much, LOL :p Good Day yesterday, hoping for the same again today!