An Unplanned Day to Remember

For the rest of my life. He's been trying I know he has. Texting me more on his own, asking me out more often. He's been making the efforts that I was hoping for. LoL, he actually listened to my concerns when I spoke to him. I am sooo greatful for that.
It surprises me how such a big event can occur and the world keep moving like nothing has changed. In actuallity, everything for me has changed. Still debating on if that is a good thing or not. At the end of the Day I am greatful for everything and regret nothing.



And the world keeps moving like nothing evre happened

Teenage Dream

I have constantly been associating the song Teenage Dream by Katy Perry to Cory. The reason this is a little off is that I never understood why. Now I do........ Listen to the words... Okay, read them...... Out of Order, but in the way I connect it to him;

"Before You Met me, I was a wreck..... Things were kindda heavy, You brought me to life."
If you knew me before June/July, or even then, you know that I was in such a, what we call Chemical Depression. I didn't want to do anything or be around Anyone. At times it was often hard just to be around people. I unfortunately couldn't even bring myself to hang out with My BFF Nychole on her birthday. Unless you fought to stay in my life I did everything in my power to kick you out of it. Some how, Cory got past my defences and I let him in. Shortly after, I started letting other people in/ back in. He has no clue and it's something I will never be able to repay him for.

"My Heart Stops When You Look at Me"
One of the First things I noticed about Cory, even back when I was 14 were his eyes. I have a thing for Hazel eyes. LOL, There was a point I didn't even remember that he had glasses because I always looked past them. Either way, when ever he looked at me and eve to this day, If I catch him looking at me and get a good look at his eyes, my heart always skips a beat.

"You think I'm pretty without any make-up on"
On the first day of School this Fall semester, I was driving back to work after class and saw him driving by, so I texted him. He ended up coming to my job just to say Hi after I hadn't seen him for a while. I didn't realized until after just how horrible I looked, MY eyebrows were not done and I have No make up on, but He didn't act any differently then he had before. He still treated me like I was the prettiest girl ever. Don't tell him that, he might get mad that I noticed he did something nice.... lol

"Just one touch, now baby I Believe"
Just Yesterday, I am sure I was at the point where I was finally getting over him. Realizing that he doesn't want me in his life and I can have a life without him. And then out of the blue he texts me saying all the crap a perfect guy would say. And I'm back in love again. I see him and I am right where he wants me ::rolls eyes::. Just One Word, Just One Touch and I'm right back in his arms. uurrggghhhhhhhhh

"I finally Found You, My Missing Puzzle Piece, I'm complete"
Nychole has even said that I have no real reason to Love this man. Regardless I do, more then I would like to. I feel like no matter what is going wrong in the world that everything is alright when he's holding me. With him I feel Whole and I haven't felt like that for someone since before I even met Cory....... like 6 years ago. Just saying.......



At the end of the Day... Cory is MY Teenage Dream

Why should I expect Anything Else

I am at the point in my life where I expect men to be mean and rude to me. I fear the reaction I might have if I person of the male persuasion is actually nice to me. Cory calls me out of the blue for no reason not something he ever does to say 3 times, I called the wrong number, couldn't even be bothered to say Hi how are you doing? Haven't spoken to you in a while. Then Andre invites me to hang out with him today so I drive the half hour it takes to get to him for him to act like I'm imposing myself on him, like I'm boring him and why did I even come down. To 15 minutes later say, take me home my fiends are coming over and I wanna chill with them bye. All this and all I can think to myself is why should I expect anything different, This is how most of the men in my life treat me so why should I expect to be treated differently. Who am I to expect any type of different treatment then that of an old beaten up play toy that you only look at when you're bored. Why should I even think to want to see Cory more then once a month? Why should I expect Andre to be happy to see me after I went out of my way to go hang out with him? Why? These men's behaviors are not any different then what I am used to. So why do I constantly find myself expecting more. Who am I to expect anything more or anything different. Nychole and I were watching Rent today and there is a line that says "I'd be happy to Die for a Taste of What Angel had, Someone to live for, Unafraid to say I Love You" I have to laugh because who am I to expect that I should ever be honored enough to have anything remotely close to that.

Trembles

It's interesting, how something that I was so sure I wanted, so sure I was ready for, hoping for waiting for can make me so happy and amazed, So intrigued and stilled can suddenly be the same thing eating you up inside. The time I had last night could not have been more perfect. I left feeling on top of the world, feeling like a whole new person, like nothing could go wrong. The feelings and heightened senses I don't ever recall feeling before brought me to a place of comfort I haven't felt in the longest time. Yet here I am reliving every moment and this time feeling like I want to cry like I can't get out of this body fast enough to escape. How can one choice evoke sch opposite feelings. Trying to wrap my head about it and stay happy while the rest of me is wrestling to get out of here as quickly as possible.
It's that feeling of wondering WHAT is holding you together because you Know you should be falling apart

my song mix of the day

Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts.

I say "Can you believe it?", as we're lying on a couch.

You saw me start to believe for the first time
And I remember (that night) 2:30 AM, 'cause everything was slippin' right out of my hands.
Braced myself for the goodbye, 'cause that's all I've ever known, And you took me by surprise, you said "I'll never leave you alone."

yup yup that's my mix. it doesn't make sense, it doesn't have to.

Song; Taylor Swift MINE

Surrender seems to be the word

So if you've been reading this, you know that I have kindda liked Cory for a while now. It interesting the drama that has surrounded that whole relationship. Tonight after not really seeing him for almost a month and finally beginning to get over him he and I talked for a while. I've come to the realization that if I like Cory I have to like all of him and that all of him includes how he is in relationships.
He made a point to tell me to please text him and to never think I am bothering him. He finally told me how he feels about me. He made it a point to explain to me the way he works in general and how that connects to the way he behaves. He explained to me his schedule letting me know that it isn't that he doesn't want to hang out with me it's that he's busy. I think this will work out a little better now that I am taking classes, between work, classes and homework, I will hopefully not miss him so much.
I came away from today feeling comfortable with our relationship noting to myself that if I am entering this relationship I need to be okay with the way he works. I need to know that he isn't the kind of boyfriend that is gonna dance with me or say good morning out of the blue. Flowers are Never gonna be his thing. He isn't for example the boyfriend Hyrum was were he and I needed to see each other any time we got a chance or talk whenever we are apart.
At the end of the day he is the guy that will cuddle with me to watch a movie. Make sure I get home safe when he knows I've been out late and am tired out of my mind. Comforts me when I'm uneasy and tell me I'm beautiful just because he felt like it.
I'm not saying it's going to be easy from here on out, but I think knowing what I know now, hopefully it will be easier.

And I'm catching myself smiling over Everything....

Yesterday I started school up again, just two classes, but it's better then no classes, you've gotta start somewhwere. I met my Sociology Teacher and seems pretty darn cool. I'm excited for the class. At work, even though we are on shut down mode, I am getting a nice number of hours constantly being offered more. You know I've got to be doing something right.
I also have overcome something else. As I'm sure you can tell if you have read my other blogs, I kindda had a little thing for a guy named Cory. Not saying that is 100% done with, but I finally got back to the point where I don't mind if we don't talk every day, I've had to just forget about seeing him or hanging out with him any time soon, because that just wasn't going to happen. Anyways, Yesterday after class I ended up seeing him and getting to talk to him and hug him and just hang ot with him for a little while, seriously maybe 10-15 minutes. Reguardless, it kindda made my day. I think the fact that he said we would hang out this weekend had a little to do with it too, anyways I had a great BUSY day yesterday and I loved every minute of it.
As we all know I love to post a song that describes the way I have been feeling. Don't get upset, I have not lost my mind and allowed myself to fall for him all over again, I mean true, I may like him again, but I didn't let him kiss me yesterday and althoguh I hugged him a couple times, i wasn't all over him, I didn't text him at all the rest of hte day nor do I feel like I need to, but I would be being dishonest if I didn't admit that I am super excited at the prospect of seeing him again soon. So here is the Marc Anthony song (Of Course)

"Finally I hold my head up high cause you belong to me
And catching myself smiling over everything
(Everything)
You should know that I am proud to have you next to me
I never know that love could be so pure & gentle
And all I see
Love was never quite this simple
It was for me so lonely and so tempermental
Holding you is the safest place no doubt about it
Kissing you makes me wonder how I live without it
Wanting you is as natural as natural can be
Love won't get any better"

"Finally, I hold my head up high cause you belong to me." To illustrate just how much I've grown, I will rephrase; Finally I hold my head up high becuase I don't need you to belong to me, I would just like it VERY Very much, LOL :p Good Day yesterday, hoping for the same again today!

Babies Babies Everywhere

Lately I have been noticing the way Ian talks about his daughter like she is the light of his world and his whole day is made when he gets to see that little girl. I hear my talk about the way her boyfriend looks and an is with his son. On facebook, all these friends I would hangout with at school or even here talking about their new babies and gushing over the littlest things. Seeing an old coworkers pictures of her little chubchub and thinking about how just about a year ago she never would have thought she and he husband would be ready for a child this soon. See the way she holds him and loves him, how he can do no wrong. Pictures of how adorable he is and the perfect balance between his two parents that shows in his face alone.
Yesterday at Bowcraft, I was able to spend most of the day with a little boy I know and his grandmother and just go around the park with him. He was soo cute with the excitement about the smallest things and looking up at me asking me if we can go on this ride or do this activity and reacting like I am the best person in the world when I say yes. Or even watching him push my hands away because he can make the plane go up and down all by himself because he was a big boy. It really made me feel like I'm falling behind.
There was a family in our ward and I cared for those kids for a little more then a year and a half. The first day I took care of them, the baby was born and for that time, I was able to see her grow from the 3 hour old thing I held at the hospital to the crazy thing crawling around the house grabbing everything in her way to her saying hi and bye to me like shes a big girl. They just moved and I feel like I don't have any one to look after or care for. I didn't feel the need to have a child of my own because I was going through the motions with these children, Max's first day of school, and Ava's first Hanna Montana party. Once they left though I seriously felt like something was missing. Then I notice more vividly the place that most of my friends are at in their lives caring for their own little ones.
I have been feeling the want to be a mother. To have my own little 3 year old to chance around the rinky dink Rt 22 amusement park. To know that just my presence will calm down my child. To feel like I am rearing and teaching and nurturing another who will look to me for everything and who I can love as unconditionally and I have observed Richard and Ian with their daughters.
Then here I am today looking though movies on Demand and on the one screen alone you see; Nine Months, Object of my Affection, The Pacifier, and Parenthood. I just don't know how to react other then to rant because these children are following me, and there is nothing I can d about it but sit back and feel like that should be me, but what am I supposed to do about it.

noticing the good as well

Finally I am comfortable with the way things are going. It's been weeks since I've had one of my bad days. Of course there are ups and downs in each of my days, but none have been super dramatic r felt like more then I could handle. I am on good terms with everyone in my family, well, you know, lol, as much as one can be. Things at work are looking good and although the summer is coming to an end, I have dance classes to look forward to come September, and we all know how I feel about dance.
On the guy front, yea I like him, Yea I wish I could see him and talk to him more often, but I know that he's not the best guy for me. Lets be honest, I rebel, but I'll never go that far so why should I allow myself to accept that, didn't i write a blog about waiting for better. I am finally okay with it. I may not get the guy I want, but maybe its for the better.
I don't know what I've done differently, but I like the new me the me that is happy and wanting to help others the way others have been there to help me. Thanks to all my friend;0s who have dealt with my craziness, stuck with me through it all and still love me for who I am.

Truth

When I'm dancing, it doesn't matter that you don't want me.

Dancing

So today I watched step up 3. I left the theatre drained and terrified.
The movie reminded me of how I feel when I'm dancing. Reminded me that I can still be as happy as I was once upon a time when I was dancing. I was terrified becuase rather then leaving the movie wanting to share it with my mom, who I wish could understand how I feel about dancing, or Nychole who has been my friend for ages or even Christopher Norton who I tell all my secrets, feelings, fears desires to. I left wanting to share it with Cory.
This scares me becuase I don't know him well enough to want to share something so close to my heart with him. I'm scared because I still want to. I'm scared becuase this means that I'm falling for him and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. And it Terrifies me because I don't know or think he feels the same way. Wish I could tell him, but the result might not be something I can take right now.

Letting my thoughts Spill Out

Thinking about Cory this morning, All I could hear was Ernest Looking me in the eyes saying don't Love me it was just a hook up, I don't love you. And I can feel my heart break all over again the same way it did when he said it to me.
Driving today, I heard this song, and I wish I could say I just want somebody to feel this way about me, but I can't, I want Cory to feel this way about me.;

Oh her eyes, her eyes

Make the stars look like they're not shining

Her hair, her hair

Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know

When I compliment her

She wont believe me

And its so, its so

Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay

I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips

I could kiss them all day if she'd let me

Her laugh, her laugh

She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so Beautiful

And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know

Id never ask you to change

If perfect is what you're searching for

Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking

If you look okay

You know I say

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

The way you are

The way you are

Girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for awhile

Cause girl you're amazing

Just the way you are

(Bruno Marshttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5lO4hEAJHU&feature=avmsc2)

I'm not trying to say that I am as fantastic as the girl he's singing about, but Oh how wonderful it would be if he felt that way about me. And you would think that I should want somebody to feel that way about me, but no, I want him to. I want Cory to feel the way about me as this guy felt about the girl he's singing about. I want him to look at me the way he did Alexandra. And maybe it's just not meant for me to ever have that but the last time I felt this way about a guy was a Very long time ago and I just pray every night that he wants me too.

Yet I'm terrified to let myself want him so bad because I know my heart is seconds away from being chopped up into a million bitty pieces and I'm just sitting back watching it happen. If Only If Only he would feel that way about me, I would never have to worry again, and one can pray and hope and wish and think that everything will pan out well but when the thought of Cory brings back vivid heartbreaking memories of being told I do not love you from someone that meant the world to me. You would think I'd be more protective of my heart, but I never seem to learn. XD, Okay, I'm tired and empty and going to bed now.

PS, Ever notice that the closer you get to something the more you want it, then need it, then would do anything for it.

PPS, How have I gone from the girl who hates songs lie Meteor Shower by Owl City;

I can finally see

That you're right there beside me

I am not my own

For I have been they knew

Please don't let me goI desperately need you

I am not my own

For I have been they knew

Please don't let me go

I desperately need you

or even

Colbie Caillat's I never told you

I see your blue eyes

Everytime I close mine

...

When I'm not around you

It's like I'm not with me

Because I think that it is horrible that songs are so often about needing someone else, being complete with someone else and so rarely about I can do it on my own. Now here I am personalizing with the songs. How did that happen, and WHY!!!! XD

Glasses

Who would have ever thought Glasses were Sexy. I am finding that I am super attracted to men in glasses!!

Just Gonna Stand there and watch me burn
That's alright becuase I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
That's okay becuase I love the way you lie
I Love the Way You lie

Opting Out

Here you come again

Just when I've begun to get myself together

You waltz right in the door Just like you've done before

And wrap my heart 'round your little finger

How interesting, I finally get comfortable with going out and spending time with friends and all of a sudden, Here you come.........

Here you come again

Just when I'm about to make it work without you

You look into my eyes And lie those pretty lies

And pretty soon I'm wonderin' how I came to doubt you

I get okay with being happy that what happened happened and then you come around again giving me the impression that there is more to come, or rather that's its not a one time thing, then you're off for who knows how long and I'm here wondering whats going on.

I find it to be so SO much smarter to forget about this stupid Love ideology that has been imposed on us. Opt Out and keep yourself from getting hurt. Opt out before anyone else has the chance to hurt you.

And it happens Every Time......

Thinking this song popped into my mind, How appropriate for the last few hours.

07/19/10 9pm

Hands Touch

Eyes Meet

Sudden Silence

Sudden Heat

Hearts Leap in a Giddy whirl

He could be that boy

I'm not that Girl

07/20/10 4am

Don't dream too far

Don't loose sight of who you are

Don't remember that rush of Joy

He could be that boy

I'm not that Girl

07/20/10 8am

Ev'ry so often we long to steal

To the land of what might have been

07/20/10 11am

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in

(Blithe smile, Lithe limb, She who's winsome, she wins him

Gold Hair with a Gentle Curl That's the Girl he chose

And Heaven Knows, I'm not that Girl)

07/20/10 8am

Don't wish, Don't Start

Wishing only wounds the Heart

07/20/10 11am

I wasn't born for the Rose and Pearl

(There's a girl I know He loves her so,)

07/20/10 11am

I'm Not that Girl

(doesn't apply to today)

Pain is avoided by avoiding people.
Note to Self, Cycle helped me calm down.

CRAWL

Taking a step back

Today was a good day for me. I haven't had one of these in such a long time. All day I'm here thinking why am I happy, I have no real reason to be. Honestly all I could figure is that it had to be because I was wearing a dress, and we all know how silly that sounds.
So I ventured out to the library. WOAH!! I mean for me, spending an hour in the Library is a big deal for me lately. XD, So while there I'm reading a book and one of the charecters is going from Irland to France ect... and I just think, I want to be able to do that. I was to go to some country I've never been and see things that have always seemed out of reach for me.
Walking home, a different way then usual, I pass by a nice house and I think to myself, I'd love to live in that house if only it wasn't in New Jersey. Then I think, New Jersey is not that bad. It's been good to me. I have a great job, of course I don't want to still be there 10 years from now, but a good job where I am treated very well. When I think about my furture goals, of course they don't include running the place, but so what if I did. I would be an active member of a wonderful community with the perfect job. I could have a job that I know, love am good at, ect.. and would still have the ablity and flexibility to be an active mother as so many of my co workers are.

I think I don't want to be trapped, I don't want to spend the rest of my life in New Jersey wondering what if.

At the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat. I get home from work/the library head to my room to find that my bed has been taken apart and put back with sheets that aren't for my bed and everything moved around in my room all after I had just spent 2 hours re arranging everything to be just as I wanted it and made my bed with my favorite bed sheets the night before. I come home to findout that I need to do it all over again even thoguh I specifically asked the cleaning ladies to not enter my room, for this exact reason. I of course throw a fit including calling my mom and yelling at how upset I am about the whole situation.
I run downstairs to look for the newly cleaned sheets that I had just put on my bed the night before and I bump into the cleaning lady, one I have never met before, I didn't hear anyone respond when I yelled hello entering the house, so naturally I was surprised to find her there. I'd never met her before. She was a tiny little woman, can't have been any younger then my grandmother. And she was here cleaning my house for money. And I was immediately broguht back to earth. I used to always think to myself, why can't my life be easier. Why can't I just win some $10,000 prize that will take away all my problems. I found that I really don't have it that hard. The trials I have had with money have helped me develop an appreciation for the value of a dollar. I am blessed to have the opportunity shoudl I choose to study whatever I want whereever I want. I can if I really want to visit any counrty I want to and experience everything I want to. I have a very nice home in a wonderful community that I am blessed to be a part of. I can move away if I really wanted to and know that I'll be fine. I have opportunities that soo many other people don't or will ever have. Then I remembered I ahve soo many reasons to be happy. Not just today, but everyday. I cannot explain the joy I felt being reminded of how blessed I truly am. May tomorrow be just as positive a day as today was.

Beautiful Disasterous Thoughts

• Why is everyone concerned with having me date someone, people at work think I should date everyone from the personal training intern to some random medical student I've never met before in my life to the British Soccer guys that are only going to be here for another week. Even my mother is telling me to go date someone.
• Do people not get that for the first to happen I would need to be social and go out ect... do things.
• I like to stay at home not do the above, at least not for the past 1-2 months.
• I would love to eventually have someone to date ect... if it didn't mean having to go out and socialize
• Why the Hell did a month later Richard Nix call me up after standing me up for a date, calling me and Ass and introducing my once was best friend to his girlfriend and expect me to hang out?
• Why am I a horrible person for not believing that he was genuinely doing the right thing?
• Why is it that when (a long long time ago...) when I was talking to a guy, any guy, My again, once best friend made herself a priority in my life, We can all 3 hang out or cancel your date and come hang out with me. Mom, tell her to cancel, ect... ect... but the day she gets someone new it's like why are you around, go away, how dare you blah blah blah
• I rant about it, but have no real desire to do anything about it.
• I think it's easier to be anti social if i just cut off all my once friends
• I don't feel like going out and making new friends or rekindling old friendships.
• You screw me over once and I cut you off just like that, once upon a time, I didn't do that I would let people screw me over and over and over again and still take them back, not anymore.
• A lady at church just found out that I am 21 and commented; What are you doing with your life, go on a mission or get married already. She later said that she was just joking, but it really pissed me off.
• I Miss my long hair.
• I REALLY REALLY miss my long hair.
• Stupid radiation that made me have to cut my cute long hair short!
• I am content to not socialize and to cut off friends, but I really am miserable
• Michael Jackson is the only thing that makes me deliriously happy.
• I know the last statement was odd, but it's true.
• I miss dancing and if I had the money I would sign up for classes right away.
• I was given the opportunity to take classes and just put down small payments, big issue is it wasn't just privates, it included semi privates and group lessons all requiring me to go out and be social.
• I am truly depressed for no reason. I can get by during the day pretty well as long as I don't surround myself with too many people, but nothing makes me happy like I usually am or can be or used to be.
• There was a time that nothing could get me down.
• There was a time that I could look at the positive on anything.
• There was a time that I loved the church and my religion more then anything, I spent 9months planning on going on a mission to teach others about this church and religion that I loved so much and now once a week I have to drag myself to church and trudge through it having no real desire to be there for any amount of time much less 3 hours. I'm only there because my family expects me to be there.
• I have strong feelings of dislike for the YSA in my area, part of what makes my being a nomad easier, but still makes me sad when I'm not invited or included.
• I may be choosing to not hang out with people, but for no one to notice or care doesn't help.
• I wanna be like Michael Jackson, in the sense that when I'm gone, I want someone to care, someone to miss me someone to remember me.
• Most days I wanna cry, I don't but I want to.

I will Always hold out for better

Ever since Junior year in high school. My Best friend Nychole has always treated me like I am miss money bag. Always, please buy me this and please get me that and I would because well, friendship is supposed to be give and take, but as the years have gone by it has gotten worse and more often. And honestly more expensive. So she asked me to go support her in Miss New Jersey this year and I knew I couldn't afford it so I got someone to go down with me. No I am being told that I will not be receiving his part of the car rental because he didn't drive. I tried multiple times to put him on as the second driver, multiple. as in more then once and I am being told that because I drove the whole way he will not pay, last time i checked, usually people pay to get driven not make the driver pay to drive. The whole time I was having anxiety attacks etc... but i went anyway because my friend asked me to support her and to be honest the whole time i was there and the days after i felt like crap, like she could have cared less if i came at all. Seriously, I am beyond done with always putting more into a relationship/friendship then I get back. I deserve better and will hold out for better all the time. I am beyond upset about this. I make sacrifices for others to get treated like crap and it is not okay in any way

No Joke

Today my two babies, Ryan Reeson and Adrian Alonzo graduated High School. Oh my Goodness, I remember when they were Christopher's age. I've been planning on going to their graduation since they came into the High School. Graduation has come and gone and I did not have the energy or motivation to go, even just for the end. I did not go to their graduation at all. Honestly all I did was go get Christopher from his play practice today. Nothing happened on the way there and nothing happened on the way back. But I get home and all I want to do it cry. I'm tired and all I want to do is cry and all I did today was go get Chris from Rehearsal. The Sister Missionaries called and asked me to go out with them tomorrow, I honestly don't think I can do it. I really need to find out what's going on, because I'm not okay with this, it's not pleasant, I feel horrible and though My two guys prolly didn't even think twice about whether or not I was there, I should have been there and I didn't go.

My Dilemma

I have absolutely no desire to leave my house and go socialize with people, at all. Yet, I am super sad and lonely that I have no one. I'm messed up. Seriously

In the Eyes of Anyone Else

In the eye of anyone else today might have been viewd as mediorcre or boring, uneventful or routinely busy, but in my eyes today was one of the best days for me. a day where I have felt the most blessed and honored to have been able to have the spirit with me.

I read most of my reading in mid day with the hunger for more once i had completed, like i couldn't get enough, finally the same feeling for the bom that have with other book and always desired to have with this.

Meeting with the missionaries with my best friend Nychole. Having the spirit with us, answering question in the best way i could. sharing with her something i hold close and dear to me

I hear her agree to read and pray to feel comforatble enough to be able to sit with her and plainly discuss almost a easily as if we had been talkingabout basketball.

Do have her look at me and say in all sincerity that she felt that i am ready to serve a mission and to teach others. For us to listen to a song mentioning missionaries and for her to recognize the spirit of the title Elder or Sister.....

For us to be able to talk on our own about any other question and conerns that she may have still had.

To hear her excitement in the anticipation of getting home to read. and finally right before going to sleep getting a message for her in excitment reporting her placemtn in her reading.



I have been super blessed todya and I pray that i may continue to have these experiences with me in days to come

Summer Soundtrack

As I drove around playing Chauffeur, I realized that many of the songs that created my Summer 2009 Soundtrack are now popular and played on mainstream radio often. As I think about last summer and the different relationships I was in, I thought to myself. I am A Daughter of God and deserve better. Once I said that I realized that I haven't always thought of myself that way and often many of Heavenly Father's Daughters don't, but it is important to keep in mind. I am a Daughter of God who loves me, and I deserve better. Don't let anyone EVER let you think anything less of yourself.

We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him. We will "stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places" (Mosiah 18:9)

Mid Life Crisis

So, I was talking to the love of my life today, it's been a while since he and I have had time to just talk about everything that's been going on in our lives. Him with the whole end of the semester junk and me... here.
Anyways we were talking and one of the things that I have always loved so much about him is that he knows everything about me, there are little to no surprises when it comes to me, but in conversation, this one fact actually made me sad. I felt ashamed of some of the things he knew about me, you know the kind of things your girlfriend can know about you, but never a guy.
I realized that I am not happy where I am. I've actually known this for a while. Not that I am not grateful for the opportunities that I have had out here, but I haven't been living my life in the best manner. For example, I've been working a lot for the past 18 months approx.. and I feel like I've been wasting time, time that I'm never going to get back. I am pretty sure that I have quit everything I have ever started. The piano downstairs has spent almost over 4 years without me playing it and I'm the reason it was purchased. My dad FINALLY bought me the dance shoes I've been dying for since '08, and I've used them once making it so that I have even let the one thing that has always made me happy go.
I'm almost turning 21, well, I am turning 21 and I am no where close to getting or having gotten anything done in my life. I have the desire to go and serve the Lord in a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, but every night I dream that I am back in Rexburg studying again. I and see myself in my little desk at the McKay Library till it closes and going to classes and I miss it all, I find myself debating on a decision I have already made, like this choice is making it so that I am loosing more time. Like I am being held back in life by the decision to go on a mission which I know for a fact is not the way I should be feeling.
My mid life crisis at age 21.

Temporal and Spiritual

As I think about today I can think of all the random funny facts of the day. The phones not working at work, and trying not to laugh as we talked on the phones hearing nothing on the other end, just in case they could hear us even though we couldn't hear them. Finally feeling like I am not the worst non-girlfriend in the whole world because I finally found the letter Keith wrote me over a month ago that I never replied to. how this past weekend was very fun. How I don't like having to get used to time changes. How Kel loves orange Soda, ect.......
Then as I'm getting ready for bed thinking how tired I am, I remember that I still needed to finish today's chapter. Then I recalled my favorite part of the day, and it wasn't any of the things I'd mentioned earlier, It was the recollection that when I did start reading at work today, I never started the chapter I was supposed to get to. Instead I started on the wrong page rereading a chapter I was on a couple days ago. This chapter saying "And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle: easy to be entreated: full of patience and long-suffering: being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times....." Oh my goodness. How is it that I always seem to read exactly what I need to be hearing. First it was Mosiah 18:9 right as I was preparing for the Radiation and then this one and I'm sure there are other stories like this that I have experienced as I've been reading More diligently that I have forgotten about because I don't let these parts of my day be the main focus.
As I continue my lent goal of reading every day, I know want to try to also pay more attention to the spiritual aspects of my day rather then the not so important things. Not that I won't write about them, or that they aren't important as well. I just feel that it is more important for me to document these moments when I am made aware of the fact that Heavenly Father is here and he does know everything that I'm going through as I'm going through it and having me read and understand what I'm reading in relation to the things going on in my life at any given moment. I think that these are the moments that matter.
Making a goal of noticing the Spiritual in my life at the very least just as much as I notice the not so profound parts of my day.
Expanding on my goals and trying to grow more. I'm working on it, I'm working on it.

The Season of Lent...

So, I'm the only Mormon at work, and today everyone was talking about what they were giving up for Lent, I guess it's the first day. One of my coworkers said that he has decided to give up all mind altering substances for lent ahead of time because he had heard that it takes 40 days to make or break a habit. I've heard that before too, but never tried it out.
Just this past Sunday I was thinking that I really need to do better about my scripture reading. So I decided that for lent I was going to give up 5 to 10 minutes of my day to read my scriptures for the next 40 days. If I can put in more time then that would be great too and I will do that, in the mean time, this is how I'm starting out.
I am in no particular spot at the current moment so I found a random spot in my scriptures and began to read. Today I only read Mosiah 2:1-12 and it really was helpful for me. I really want to go on my mission, but as an earlier blog mentioned, I'm not sure why anymore. I knew there was a reason I had decided to do it in the first place and somewhere along the way I lost that reasoning. I'm still continuing the papers but at the same time searching again for the reason I began in the first place. In Mosiah 2:11 I found it to be saying that we are all here by the grace of Our Heavenly Father to serve one another. I think that that point is easy to forget. We don't get anywhere without the help of Our Heavenly Father. I'm know I can and most certainly should do better about including him in my daily life and being more grateful for everything he has blessed me with even when I don't deserve it. Also, I find that as much as I am being blessed I need to take the time to serve others.
Al thought there is only so much I know I am going to be able to do in this next couple weeks, I'm going to try to make a point of doing something for someone else. At least one act of service. I'll come back tomorrow and tell you how that goes. And in the search for why I want to be a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So far I have that I am needed to serve and bless the lives of others just as my life as been blessed through the church. Still looking..............

Cleaning My Room

Quotes found:

We don't do Great things. We just do small things with Great Love.~ Mother Teresa

Stand as a Witness at all times and in all things and in All Places. ~Mosiah 18:9

Be ya kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, been as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.~ Ephesians 4:32

Items Found:

Old Glasses

Old song lyrics by former missionary

4 build-a-bear birth certificates?

Nychole's first Miss New Jersey competition T-shirt

Old set of scriptures

2004 NYC Temple jubilee DVD

Old DECA awards

My Music Dept Awards

Minimum of 10 pairs of Scissors

HotWheels Cars?????

Approx 7 porcelain dolls

RENT Poster signed by cast

and jewelry up the Wazzooo.

Sunday Meetings

Today was a very intence day for me. I was able to listen to President and Sister Bulloch who spoke about things that I have been wondering about for a while especially since yesterday's conversation with Nate. At this point in time I'm excited that I got some insight on these things. Here's what I was able to come Away with;

• Have a Personal Relationshipr with Jesus Christ.


• I doesn't matter how things turn out; It matters how I turn out


• Instead of asking Why me? Why now? rather ask What am I supposed to learn from this? How am I supposed to grow from this experience.


• It is in Christ that we find rest, It is in Him that we find Happiness


• We are either going towards the Savior or we are going untowards him.


• Everyone needs to come up with their own testimony.


• The adversary wants us to be prideful, selfish and self centered. /the Advasary wasnts you to be spiritually insensetive;

*Keep the Faith

*Keep Praying

*Keep Reading the Scriptures

*******DON'T STOP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!

• The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true; Live it, Follow it and you will end up where you want to be.


• Happiness Comes from living the Gospel of Jesus Christ


• Christ was the only one who didn't gain from the Attonement, he didn't need it, but he went through with it for all of us.


• Marriage and Life in general is; Care about others more then you care about yourself<>Fact; The Gospel of Jesus Christ is True
  
• Fact; Our Heavenly Father Wants us to be Happy
  
• Fact; Satan wants to make us miserable
  
• Forget Yourself and Get to Work
  
• WE ONLY HAVE ONE WORK; TO INVITE ALL UNTO CHRIST.
  
• We live in a world where people are searching for Happiness
  
• Our happiness will be increased as we share the message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to others.

I'm not saying that I have my answer 100% but I have a pretty good I dea of why I feel I am supposed to go Serve a Mission. All I can do is continue working on the papers, Pray and Wait. and I intend to do so.

I wore a Dress...................

Funtimes at FebCon 2010

So today was seriously the longest day ever, running around here there and everywhere. Started of with 9 girls running around to get to breakfast just a little late, followed by a wonderful KeyNote speaker then some workshops (See, got me thinking for more info). At lunch I met this guy, odd one really, he kept on asking me my last name for some odd reason, lol. anyway. then we had our Service project decorating the church for the dance, at which point we really got to know a number of people including, Nate and Rich














Nate, Standing on the Chair, Rich in Sweater and Awesome Glasses and Me in Rich's Glasses; I look Hot, I know, lol


But we worked hard on decorating too;

Tabby and Rachele worked hard on Getting the Streamers up, along with helping blow up a lot of Balloons. While Brianna hit on cute guys, lol.

Brianna got her act together and made a wonderful bunch of Balloons with some other person who'e name I can't remember, sorry, lol. Not Rachele, another girl. :p

I know who Rachele is....... Muah

I got working stringing the rest of the Balloons to create this wonderful prom looking backround.



After our service project, we went speed dating where I met a few cool guys;

Lamont........... Only the 5th Shot, LOL






























Alex, that odd guy I met at lunch. He's actually
quite a cool guy I must admit. A Ninja too, Oh BABY, LOL

And Jared; pretty cool guy actually, he and I are gonna be like best friends, lol.



The dance was AMAZING, we started talking about going to Friendly's but go too tired. fun day all in all.

"Today was a fairytale; I wore a dress."- Taylor Swift

Got Me thinking

As I recount today as well, this guy Nate(prettycoolguy) asked me Why I was going on a mission. I found this to be an odd question becuase well, Everyone usually just says That's Great or Awesome, even, That's so cool. Never has I ever gotten a Why? Even more upsetting to me was that I didn't really have an answer. I know that when I had first decided that I wanted to go I had a reason. A reason that motivated me to start everything I needed to do for it imediately. A reason strong enough to motivate me to go through obstacles I would have rathered not have had to go through. Yet, now as I thought about it, I didn't have an answer. At this point, I decided that I need to find the reason I wanted to go on a mission again. I don't want to be one of those girls who only goes on her mission because she's not married or in a serious relationship. I want to go knowing that I have a real reason for going and not just becuase I have nothing better to do. Starting today, I'm searching for it again...... Searching......

I'm gonna fly this flag that I got in my hand.....

So, Yesterday we went as a group of wonderfully beautiful women into the city for a good ole time. we went to the M&M shop and that was super fun. as you can tell.

But we couldn't really spend a lot of time with the delicious chocolates, or anything else for that matter becuase we all had a date, a hot date........

We went to see In the Heights, only the best play I've ever seen, tied with RENT in my opinion, but Amazing nontheless. In the play with the lead role of Usnavi was the ever so good looking Corbin Bleu. We got to get his autograph, spend some time talking to him and Tabby asked him to dinner, Oh BABY Oh BABY...... LOL. Corbin and I are like Best Friends forever..... I have a framed program that says so, LOL. He smelled so good. I mean he was handsome, but OMG he smelled so good, LOL. I'm not an odd person, I promise. LOL

See; Best Friends FOREVER!!!!, LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eu9r2rhdoD4

American Idol Tuesday

Mormon Mormon Mormon Mormon
Mormon Mormon Mormon Mormon
I have a Mormon Boy
He is my Pride and Joy
He know's most anything
From Alma on down
WOO
Someday I'll be his wife
We'll have Eternal Life
Oh how I love this
Mormon BoOoy
WOO!!!

Justin Williams made it to Hollywood. You go Boy!! I'll vote for you!!

Massages, Pilates and Yoga

I woke up this morning and my very first thought before anything else was; I think I wanna be a Massage Therapist, I need to figure out how I can do that. Then I changed to Pilate's instructor then a Yoga instructor. I'm going to bed wanting to be all three. We'll see what I wake up wanting to do tomorrow. LOL